I don't know about anyone else, but I have this silly little game I play with myself - the one where I am having a bad day and feeling outside of myself and go on some epic journey to find some epiphany that.. "this time..." will be the difference-maker in my soul. I always make a really big deal out of it too - like I'm embarking on some dangerous expedition out there into the wilderness to come back renewed and enlightened. And so, out the door I go in search of my catalyzing morsel of wisdom, enduring the metaphorical wind and rain of the world, getting lost, getting hurt, spending night after uncomfortable night with roots and rocks poking into my back and depriving me of sleep and comfort. And there, on some blustery outpost of my internal world, I find that idea and hold it forth as if it was some divine gift bestowed upon me by God on Mount Sinai - lightening flashing inches from my face. And when I open the tablet I'm like...
"Well.. duh". it's not like I haven't thought about that before. Why did I have to go through so much pain and suffering to learn something I already knew?".
And I almost immediately hear that heretofore silent Voice from Above telling me.. "It's because you weren't listening."
Why am I so hard on myself, creating epic battles out of the simplest messages - the same simple messages that God is trying to tell me all the time? I mean, there I am, holding a map and a compass and top of the line GPS unit in my own soul, and crying out to God like the old Psalmists s "help! Save me! I'm lost!".
Well, I do have an answer - but back to that in a second. For now, I am continually amazed by the Grace of renewal - that no matter how avoidable my spiritual disorientation might be - there isn't a single second of my life where I can't return home by simply closing my eyes, clicking my heals together, and remembering the answers that I knew from the start.
What are those messages? In my own faith, it's simply taking the time for prayer and recentering - getting back into myself and aligning with the Spirit of God. For others, it may be that hour of meditation, or that walk in the woods, or just that moment playing with the kids with no distractions. It would take most people about five minutes to write down those "right answers", all of which come from an honest discernment of our own hearts. Exercise, connection with loved ones, throwing on the cross country skis instead of watching that re-run of the TV show that we always know is going to leave us unfulfilled.
So.. why is it so hard to focus on these things which we always admit after the fact make our lives so much better? The buddhists call it attachment, while the Christians call it temptation. To be human is to occasionally get inexplicably attached to the moment and the safety of what it gives us at that point in time. So many things pull us in and demand our attention, pulling us away from ourselves and our sources of life, promising us some moments of security in return that always disappear in a "POOF" leaving us empty. It's ok. Some of us evidently can't know enlightenment until we know the suffering of attachment and the path leading beyond that attachment. Others of us evidently can't know God until we know the suffering of temptation and the path leading us back to God. We might suffer for awhile, but we can always stop, ask for directions, and go home.
So, the next time I find myself in some frenzied effort to seek answers outside of myself, I pray that I can remember to stop and listen to the answers awaiting if I just listen to the sources of power already opened up to me. Of course, I won't always do that, and will still probably spend half my life wandering around needlessly lost. But.. what can I say? I'm human, after all.
What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. 1 Corinthians 9:12
There comes a time in evry life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn to know the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying. Sarah Dessen - Just Listen
Yep - everything we need to know about life we pretty much do learn in kindergarten. Use our words, breath, and ask for direction when we get lost. That pretty much covers it. Yet we get so "smart" and think we have a better way. Like, "hey, I don't want to say what I'm thinking so instead how about I just..." and somehow, big surprise, it totally doesn't turn out how we think it will.
ReplyDeleteThe beauty, though, is that we aren't alone in that pattern. In fact, scripture is full of stories of people on this repeated path of orientation, disorientation, and reorientation (Walter Brueggeman). Something powerful happens for us in the disorientation and reorientation. It is in those places that we are formed. That we become who we become. What about Peter denying Jesus three times after Jesus' arrest? Success or failure? I think that's not the right question. It's not that our path is as right or wrong, but just part of the journey of being made whole. Perhaps that moment for Peter of realizing that he had just denied Jesus was a crucial turning point for him. Would he have been who he became - the rock on which the church was founded - if he hadn't denied Jesus that night?
It all comes back to grace. God extends us grace for all those times we try on our own strength. Can we extend ourselves that same grace and trust that in our moments of weakness/or falling short - even there we are being redeemed?? Jesus can. Can we?